Today is the Day- 2012

 

As I sit here, awake in these wee hours of the morning, I am reminded of where I was at this time three years ago.  I remember waking up a little after midnight with what I was pretty sure were actually contractions and wondering if this would be the day I'd meet my son.  

I remember timing my contractions in our dark, quiet room while my husband slept.  I remember having to wake him up a few times because in his sleepy fog, he didn't quite grasp that my contractions were already only three minutes apart.  I remember my husband having to wake our new neighbors at almost 3:00 in the morning to ask if they could stay with Kiddo.  

I've mostly forgotten the drive to the hospital, but I remember entering the hospital with fairly intense contractions that just kept getting closer and closer together.  I remember being wheeled upstairs to the maternity ward, having to answer lots of questions in one room (and hadn't I pre-registered? So, why all the questions?) and then being told I still had to walk down the hall to my actual room.  I remember thinking that was just plain crazy, if not a little bit mean.  I remember deciding to stick with my choice to not have an epidural, but then asking for just a little nubain for the pain.  I remember that it didn't seem to help, but that suddenly my eyes wouldn't stay open-- not that I was falling asleep (that would have been impossible), but that my eyelids just kept closing no matter how hard I tried to open them and wondering if that was some weirdo kind of side effect.  

I remember being so glad that the incredibly kind midwife I'd seen at the very end of my pregnancy would be the one helping me deliver, and not the condescending doctor I'd seen earlier, or someone I'd never met.  I remember the nurses telling me to push and thinking that I just couldn't.  It was too difficult, I was too tired-- and yet, somehow, I did.  

  And then, oh then, I met the sweetest angel I've ever known.  He was plump and sweet and perfect, and we were so grateful, so very, very grateful. We couldn't have known then how short a time we'd have with this darling boy, or how awfully our hearts would break less than eight months later.

 

I have a friend whose son died at nearly six weeks old, about a year before Isaac passed away.  I remember reading a friend's posting on her blog that said, "The only thing worse than losing him would be never having had him at all."  When I first read that, Isaac was still with me and I didn't understand what she meant.  Now I do.  With all the pain and grief and sorrow that we've felt in these last two and a half years, it doesn't diminish the joy we felt to have Isaac in our lives.  As horrible as it has been to lose him, I would never want to know a life without those happy, beautiful months with the sweetest baby you could ever meet.  And we cling tightly to the hope that the joy we felt then will be nothing compared to the happiness we'll feel when, after this life, we can be with him again-- forever.

Today is a hard day.  I can't help but sob as I type these words.  I MISS HIM.  There is nothing like the ache of missing your child.  It is the deepest pain you can imagine.  I think of what he would be like at three, that he'd be talking and running and making us laugh.  I wonder if he'd look like Kiddo.  He was a go-getter of a baby, who seemed to do everything early and didn't seem to fear anything.  I imagined he'd be an athlete, but he was already trying to talk so I sensed that he was also going to be very intelligent.  And he was just happy, mellow, and peaceful.  Would he have stayed that way as a toddler?  Would he have liked the things his brother liked?  Would he be reading at the same amazingly early age?  I don't know, and the wondering hurts.

But today is also a glorious day.  It is the day my angel was born.  It was the day he brought brightness and hope into our lives.  And so, today we will once again celebrate his life.  We will honor him with kindness and service.   We will try to make him proud.  We imagine him looking on from heaven and smiling his incredible smile as he sees the good deeds done in his memory.  

  

Once again, many of our friends and family have pledged to do the same.  I hope you are one of them.  It's quite simple, really.  Just go out of your way to make someone else's day brighter.  Write a letter.  Forgive someone.  Share a treat.  Give someone a ride.  Mow someone else's lawn.  Visit someone who is sick or elderly.  Recycle.  Plant a tree.  Apologize to someone you've hurt.  Call your mother.  Say thank you.  Offer to babysit for free.  Share your talents.  Pick up litter.  Go to Church/the Temple/synagogue/mosque.  Decide not to argue with someone.  Give a book to a child.  Give hugs.  Donate to a charity.  And hold your children close.  Tell them how much you love them and how glad you are they're yours.

 And think of Isaac, because today is the day.

***If you would like to make a donation in Isaac's memory, there are many, many organizations we love like Heifer International, LDS Humanitatian Services, The Ronald McDonald House, and others which are linked on the sidebar-- and, of course, there's always your local library.  In particular this year, we support The Cure Starts Now http://csn.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&eventID=605&participantID=1106  in honor of Oliver Palmer.  Also, our dear friends, Tara & Aaron are  building a LIBRARY in LESOTHO!!

The Second Day of Sunshine 2011

I've been meaning to post about Isaac's birthday for quite some time now... I'm noticing that both this year and last year, I put so much effort in to getting through Mother's Day and his birthday that in the days following, I sort of fall into a deeper level of grief and sorrow. I guess there is something of a letdown after focusing myself on insisting that those days still be positive. So it gets a little harder to stay motivated in those following days. This year, having both Kiddo and Little Friend has helped considerably. They are truly the most entertaining little people on this planet, in my humble-- and not at all biased-- opinion! But it's still hard, because I can't help but feel the profound absence of that other wonderful little boy whose physical presence is no longer felt in our home.

Without a doubt, one thing that has helped me in the past year, was the semester that I had the opportunity to teach Seminary. It was never a calling I would have aspired to-- neither the prospect of teaching FIVE DAYS a week at SIX A.M., nor of trying to reach sleepy teenagers who'd rather be at home, were things that ever excited me. To be quite frank, I have been terrified of teenagers ever since I was one, and I always thought that if I had to work with them, they'd probably eat me alive! However, I really loved that semester of teaching Seminary. I loved immersing myself in the Gospel, and I love my students. Obviously, they didn't eat me! :) So when I thought of what I'd like to do for Isaac's birthday, one of the first things I thought of was my former Seminary class. While I was pregnant, I rather spoiled them by baking lots of goodies and they always seemed to appreciate it. If I were a really great Mommy blogger, I'm sure I would have fed them delicious, fresh, home-made, from scratch cinnamon rolls or something. And I would have arrived an hour early to decorate a lovely table setting for them with matching plates and napkins. But, let's face it, I'm not! And with a new baby, I'm still tired a lot of the time. So I settled for bringing them donuts, cereal, milk, juice, bananas, and candy (gasp! so bad of me, I know!) You can see from the photo that I won't be putting Martha Stewart out of business any time soon!

I did explain to the kids that it was Isaac's birthday, and that I was spreading sunshine in his honor. I gave them each a little picture of his sweet, smiling face and challenged them to do something for someone else that day, too. They seemed pretty happy with their surprise breakfast, despite its lack of fancy-ness. I did get a picture of them smiling, but I had to promise them that I would never post it anywhere since most of them were still in their pajamas! So you can just pretend these are my Seminary students-- minus the bare midriff, of course! ;)
(photo from Microsoft's clipart website)


After I got back home, the Daddy-O and I went to the Temple. Just like last year, we paid the toll for the next four cars behind us on our way there. The Temple is always a peaceful place for us, and where I often feel closest to Isaac. It is particularly poignant when we go to do sealings, because almost every time, we participate in sealing a child who died very young to his or her parents. Our Temple marriage is something that gives us great comfort as we strive to be worthy to see our Isaac again, and we feel gratitude to be able to extend that opportunity to others whose dear children passed away.

After the Temple, we stopped briefly at home to change clothes and pick up Kiddo and Little Friend. I have to say that our children are incredibly good travelers! It's about 90 minutes or so from our home to the cemetery where Isaac is buried, so poor Little Friend spent several hours that day like this:

However, he couldn't have behaved any more perfectly than he did. What a lovely little baby we have!

We took flowers, a balloon, and cards to sweet Isaac's grave. This was the first time we had taken Little Friend, who actually slept through the whole visit, even though I took him out of the car seat for a few minutes! We sang "Happy Birthday" to Isaac, but had to leave shortly after because some little person needed to "go potty!"

It just so happens that my oldest niece was finishing up her freshman year of college in that very town, so I had prepared a goodie bag for her with chips and candy (again with the candy! Bad, bad Rachael...) to help her get through finals week, as well as a card we'd been meaning to give her for AGES. It was fun to surprise her with a visit at work, and even Kiddo was excited to give his cousin ONE OF HIS DINOSAURS. This was a very big deal for him, and we asked him repeatedly if he really wanted to do this... he said "yes!" We were so proud!

By then we were hungry, so we decided to eat at a favorite Mexican restaurant that Daddy-O and I used to go to back when we were dating and newlyweds. On the way there, we stopped at the post office and mailed a birthday card to an old friend I used to work with but haven't talked to in years. Well, once we got to the restaurant, I caused poor Kiddo to regret his sharing the aforementioned Velociraptor by praising him for his generosity. OOPS! It made for a slightly less enjoyable dinner... but overall, it was still a pretty good time.

It made Kiddo feel a bit better to send Cousin Rebecca a text message in which he wrote:

"This is ya bad cousin [Kiddo]. I want my dinosaur back." I honestly couldn't help but crack up, although I told him that asking for a gift back is rude, but it doesn't make him bad!

Most of the times we have eaten at this restaurant, we have had exceptionally good service, but out waiter was really only adequate. I mention this because I had originally wanted to spread some more sunshine by giving him a HUGE tip. So we compromised by giving him a dollar more than we normally give. :) At least it was something, I guess!

By the time we finished eating, we were all pretty tired so we got in the car and headed home, where we had some strawberry ice cream in honor of Isaac (it was my biggest craving while I was pregnant for him, and even when I was nursing him). Then we all crashed.

Don't worry, Little Friend got to get out of his car seat and sleep in bed! :)

Next year, I imagine we'll do things a little differently. I realized a few things this year:

1. We need to involve the boys more in our planning. I was excited when Kiddo gave away his dinosaur, because I thought he was "getting" what we were trying to do. I realized when he wanted it back that I hadn't really explained to Kiddo much about our plans, nor did I involve him by asking HIM what HE'D like to do for someone.
2. I didn't spend enough time just loving and cuddling my boys that are still here. I was so busy all day that I didn't take the time to just snuggle them and tell them just how much I love them and how grateful I am to be their mommy.
3. We were so tired we didn't do our regular nightly routine with Scripture Study and Family prayer, followed by story-reading. This is another time of day when I have felt closer to Isaac, and of course, it is a time when we as a family feel closest. I felt like missing out on this was a major failure for Mommy.
4. It is very hard to fit the Temple, the cemetery AND meaningful service into one day. We will either need to plan our schedule better, or spread these activities over multiple days because I really would like to include ALL of them as much as I can.
5. If I want to involve others in Isaac's day, I really need to post the invitation a bit earlier!

For all of you who helped participate in spreading sunshine for our sweet boy, we want to express our sincere thanks. I really feel that Isaac would, and does, love the way we choose to remember him. I don't exaggerate when I say he was the sweetest, happiest child. So I can't help but think that his beautiful spirit smiles brightly on us each time he sees those who love him bring happiness to others in his honor.

Another Act of Kindness for Isaac

Tuesday would be Isaac's 2nd birthday. Oh, how we continue to miss him each and every day!

One day last week, I found on the coffee table a note Kiddo had written to his little brother. It reads:

"Isaac
"Happy Birthday uh day
uh I do have uh one more thing I
wanted to say
I love you Isaac
I do say I love you Isaac"

(You can tell that Kiddo thinks it's pretty cool to add "uh" to his notes!)

And today he told me he wants to make a card for Isaac, with my stamps and ink. It is amazing to me how connected to Isaac he is. Not a day goes by without Kiddo talking about his little brother at some point. He likes to make up stories about himself being a detective, and Isaac is always his sidekick. Kiddo is really looking forward to Isaac being resurrected someday, and really hopes it will be soon. It certainly does seem like a long time until that day, though

.
I hope that Kiddo will always remember Isaac. I'm not sure how much will fade from his memory as he grows up. So far, he remembers a lot about Isaac, and he loves to look at his pictures and watch videos of him. I know that Daddy-O and I will do our best to keep Isaac's memory alive each day and remind Kiddo how much Isaac loved him and continues to love him

.
If you've been reading this blog for at least a year, you'll probably remember that we chose to devote his birthday last year to service. It was a blessing to us to spend his special day trying to share the joy he brought us. It helped to comfort us in our time of deep and intense mourning. So we've decided to make it our annual tradition. This year, with a new baby, we probably will have to choose fewer or smaller acts than last year and hope to go all out next year. Again, we're hoping that our friends and family will join us in sharing some of his brightness and happiness with others by performing some acts of kindness to others. I think I can promise you that if you do, you will be blessed, too, as you bring smiles to someone else.

If you join us in serving someone on Tuesday-- or any other day this week, if you don't see this until later-- I hope you'll please share with me what you've done. I want to compile these acts and put them in a book that I will add to each year. Isaac's life on earth may be short, but it certainly mattered, and I hope his sweet and loving influence will continue to be felt at least as long as I live. Being his mother has been one of the greatest privileges of my life, one I will thank God for as long as I have breath.

Little Friend and his angel brother

 

 

 Any doubts that this little guy made everyone smile? :)

What We Did For Isaac- 2010

Well, we are still in the process of finishing up our goals for Isaac's birthday, but I thought I would post what we have been doing.

Yesterday morning, I awoke at 5:45 am to the sound of a mourning dove outside our window. I think this was more than a coincidence because mourning doves have a special significance to my family, and because Isaac was born at 5:50 am. So I was awake at the very same time my sweet little boy made his earthly debut. At 5:50, I sang "Happy Birthday" to him.

I then came down and read the many postings you, my friends and family, had written about your intentions to honor Isaac on his birthday while listening to Beethoven. We had listened to Beethoven in the hospital on the day Isaac was born, and also on the day that he passed away in my arms. I have always loved this music, but since Isaac returned to his Father in Heaven, it has been very hard for me to hear it. I then listened to Elizabeth Mitchell's recording of "You Are My Sunshine," our favorite song to sing to our little ray of sunshine. Then I played a few songs from Ziggy Marley's "Family Time," and Taj Mahal's "Don't You Push Me Down" because those were songs he liked to "dance" to.

We got ready for the day, and woke up our older son, William, so that he could go play with a friend while Tsooane and I went to the Temple. We were running late, so I packed some Cheerios for all of us to munch on in honor of Isaac's love of Cheerios. When we crossed the toll bridge on our way to the Temple, we gave $5 instead of one and asked that we could pay for the next 4 cars to cross the bridge.

We spent 4 hours at the Temple, and it was a sweet experience. We rarely have anywhere near that amount of time to spend there. We were able to help, in a very small way, a couple who was there to do work for their family. Their enthusiasm and gratitude was amazing, and we were thrilled to have a tiny part in putting those huge smiles on their faces. Our broken hearts were very full.

My mom treated us to lunch, and as we were finishing a song came on that, I must confess, brought me to tears again. Last fall, Amazon had offered a free download of a song by a CMA-nominated artist, and I had chosen "I Just Call You Mine," by Martina McBride, because it reminded me of my children, especially Isaac. Particularly fitting are these words from the chorus:

Everyone that sees you
Always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you
Always has a smile.
You're a standing ovation
After years of waiting
For a chance to finally shine.
Everyone calls you amazing--
I just call you "mine."

As I tried to stop the tears from flowing, my mother gently reminded me that I do still get to call Isaac "mine," even if he is no longer here with me on this earth. After composing myself, we geared up for the next phase of our plans to spread sunshine. We went to the grocery store to pick up some items for a dinner we planned to make for 8 widowed or single women from Church, two of whom still have children at home. James 1:27 reads, "Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." Our Isaac is completely pure, and radiated charity for others while he lived, so we felt this would be a way to reflect his goodness and love.

When we picked up our William, he had done his part to spread sunshine by being his own silly, clever self with his friends, and by miraculously managing to "stay dry" the whole time we were gone. :)

While the dinner was cooking, we again read some of the posts in honor of Isaac, and I found the information for another project we had planned. A few months back, I had read on www.jennifermcguireink.com about a project called "Cards for Kids" -- a drive to send homemade cards to critically ill children. There are currently 10 children on the list, so William and I set out to make 10 cards. WELL.... let's just say we are still in the process of completing this goal. William thought it was more important to start out by making cards for South Dakota and Utah... sigh. Today he seems more excited about creating something for actual children! :)

The grocery store hadn't had all the components of our meal, so my mom ran to another store to get the remaining items. I printed out pictures of Isaac in his high chair, and stamped "SMILE" in the corner. On the back, I wrote "Please enjoy in honor of our Isaac. Love, The Molapos" and attached them to the meals.

Initially, we had planned to take William with us to deliver these meals, but he was just worn out from his fun playdate. We fed him dinner, and my Mom had brought an angel food cake for Isaac's birthday. We put a candle in it, and as a family, sang to Isaac. Then Tsooane and I loaded up the car and went off to deliver the meals.

We were excited to find 7 of the 8 "sisters" at home-- this is especially noteworthy, because we hadn't called ANY of them to see if they would be there. We took a minute, or a few, at each home and explained that it was Isaac's birthday and that we wanted to make them smile, because Isaac always loved to make others smile. Some of these women remember Isaac very well, and know just how true that is!

When we got home, William was in bed, but waiting for me. I read with him, and talked to him. Shortly before he fell asleep, I sang some of the Primary birthday songs for Isaac. William didn't want to participate, but I soon heard him singing "Happy Birthday, Dear Isaac" softly, almost to himself.

Then Tsooane and I finally ate our dinner and cake. I ate my strawberry ice cream, and had some Coca-Cola, and we tried to wind down from our whirlwind day.

You may notice that we didn't make it to the cemetery yesterday-- sadly, there was just not time for the 4 hour round-trip, but we WILL go tomorrow and bring him some flowers. I guess then we will "report back" to him about all the joy that was spread yesterday in his honor. There are at least a dozen other things I wanted to accomplish on his birthday, but I guess that will just serve as our motivation to continue spreading Isaac's joy in the days to come.

Isaac's birthday was still a difficult day for us-- we missed his presence so very intensely, it is hard to describe. But deciding to use his memory as a motivator to help others, added a measure of happiness where there would have only been pain. We have decided that we will honor Isaac through love and service every year, and hope that all those who were touched to help someone this year will join us in spreading sunshine for Isaac next year, too. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts, and pray that the Lord will bless you for your efforts.

In Honor of Isaac's Birthday (May 10th)

My heart has been particularly tender these past few days, and as it gets closer to Isaac's birthday (May 10th), my emotions grow more bittersweet and poignant. How grateful I am to be his mother, and to have had such a sweet, precious child in my home-- albeit for far too short a time. But how my heart aches to have him here with me to celebrate his first birthday, and every birthday after!

I have been contemplating how best to celebrate his birth, and I don't have it all totally figured out yet. I know I'll start the day eating Cheerios, because Isaac LOVED Cheerios. I know that my husband and I will spend part of the day in the Temple, because there we feel peace and comfort from our Father in Heaven. Isaac LOVED music, so I know I will listen to some songs he liked.

He also LOVED to eat, but since he mostly only nursed, I'm not sure what his favorite food would be. I know when I was pregnant for him, my biggest cravings were strawberry ice cream and Coca-Cola (gasp! Please don't judge me!), so I will likely have some in tribute to him. We'll have a cake and sing him "Happy Birthday," in the hopes that maybe somehow he'll hear us all the way in Heaven. I dearly hope we will be able to make the 90-minute drive to the cemetery to take him some flowers.

These are all small things, and I want to do more. I have thought a lot about the kind of boy Isaac is, and the joy and love that just radiated from his chubby little body. He had the most beautiful smile, and he shared it so freely, in turn making everyone around him smile. I think he just brought smiles and sunshine with him wherever he went. So, in honor of him, I want to do something to make someone else smile and feel loved, just as he did for me.

This is not entirely my idea alone. I have been reading the blog of another mother whose young daughter died tragically in an accident, and who is very inspiring to me. In honor of her sweet daughter, Camille, she asked others to do something kind for someone else on Cami's birthday (which, coincidentally, also happens to be my birthday). And so, I encourage all of you, anyone who ever met Isaac, or who simply read about him or saw his photo and loved him, to do the same.

On Monday, go out of your way to make someone happy. Do something compassionate and loving. Help someone else feel better, even for a brief moment. Think of my dearest little Isaac, and the joy he would have spread each day had he lived longer. And try to scatter some sunshine of your own, in honor of him. Then, if you don't mind, please let us know what you did. It would mean a lot to me, and I think it would also mean a great deal to him.